Being a Third Culture Kid (TCK), your whole worldview is different. You see everything through multiple cultural fields, sometimes not even realising that’s what you’re doing. You’d think this makes communication easier- and it does!- but it makes relationships a whole lot harder.
Typically, we fall into two camps:
- We grab the first person we can stick to and don’t let go, so they can never leave us.
- We purposefully keep relationships shallow, so when the person leaves we can’t get hurt.
These patterns repeat themselves in pretty much all the TCK relationships I’ve seen or even been in myself. When it comes to breaking emotional barriers put up in childhood, we can be just as emotionally repressed as anyone else. I often brag I could go anywhere in the world and have a friend with open arms and a couch to sleep on. That’s a plus, but there’s a darker side to this coin we all try to ignore.
Growing up, TCKs moved around so often that there wasn’t a chance of any lasting relationship forming, so the mere idea of such a thing becomes a premium that makes life worth living.
Alternatively, you formed so many relationships you thought were meaningful, and had to leave them all at some point or another, so now as an adult you think What’s the point? These things never end well.
A loophole to these horrors is when TCKs date TCKs- which is about as rare and beautiful as seeing a shooting star do a loop-the-loop. When it works, it’s legendary. For the rest of us, we have to learn to empathise with our mono-cultured significant others, and they with us. Easier said than done.
Debate is hot about whether or not TCKs should stick to just dating TCKs, but really it comes down to this: does your partner understand you?
If your partner never wants to travel, or has never travelled, it can seem inconceivable to you that they’d want to stay so stagnant. To them, you probably seem like a free spirit at first, then as they get to know you they start to see your travelling as unrealistic or impractical, which, coming from someone you love, can hurt most of all.
Media shows relationships as being less stressful, because you can rely on someone else. For a TCK? That lack of independence makes life way MORE stressful. You want to live your own life, go where the wind takes you, settle where you feel right settling in the moment- but with a partner? That’s pretty much unthinkable, unless you have crazy high levels of compatibility.
High levels of mobility when you’re growing up changes the wiring in your brain- that’s pretty much a-given. When your life bans you from making long-term relationships, the inter-dependence that comes from finally having one as an adult really messes with that wiring. Independence, for a TCK, is safety- nobody’s going to leave if there’s no-one to leave. Not having that independence leaves you feeling naked on a thickly intimate stage.
But okay, let’s say you manage to get into a serious relationship. Congratulations, you’re a wizard… but you’re not out of the war zone just yet. Since we value independence so much, we tend to assume other people are the same.
What do you mean, you feel shitty when I don’t talk to you for a couple days?
I only booked that holiday for two weeks, why are you upset?
We probably seem slow on the uptake to our friends and lovers. Certainly, when your friends give up on you for being ‘distant’ and you don’t understand why, it’s a lonely feeling. It takes a while to realise that face-to-face interactions are imperative to non-TCKs, and without them they tend not to feel a connection.
When I was twelve, I added all my friends to a group chat on Facebook. This became my primary way of communicating until I was seventeen- when my classmates were out at parties, I was home on Skype getting drunk with my TCK friends, and that was fine. If I wanted time away, I could just log off and not need anybody’s permission. Fast forward to my first boyfriend, and the barrage of concerned messages I got when I didn’t talk to him for a whole day because I wanted some alone time, and you can see a pattern starting to form.
The key to developing yourself beyond someone others see as an inconsiderate idiot is in consideration.
How will my girlfriend feel if I spend the weekend alone so I can have some me-time?
How will my boyfriend feel if I book a holiday abroad for just myself and don’t tell him?
For most people these questions are easily answered, but TCKs aren’t most people. We’re people who have to try pretty damn hard to assimilate amongst most people; And even then, we’re still going to fail if the people we love aren’t patient as heck.
Culturally Confused 